Ok, I’m gonna geek talk here. And, here’s what I geek out about: color. As a human, color is fascinating to me. As an artist, color is a mystery. Either way, I want to know more about color. I’ve learned so much, and every time I learn something new, it informs my artistic application that much more. So, I continue to investigate… come with me….
Let’s tuck that little, or should I say, big, obsession with color into the back round for a moment and talk about another intrigue… running. This is probably more of a love/hate sort of thing for me. I don’t run because I love it, or have an obsession with it. I run because I need to. As a Four on the Enneagram, I have learned to pay attention to my body. Yes, it’s been a learned practice for me. Where I can easily stay in my head and heart, it is not as accessible to me to drop down into my body, meaning, I am able to easily ignore my body. Sometimes it’s been like a little toddler yelling, “Mommy, Mommy, Mommy”, over and over and I’ve tuned it out until the 95th utterance, and by then, we’re in a screaming match. This is why running has become a spiritual practice for me. It’s a way for me to be present before my body cries out in a temper tantrum, begging for attention. It’s a way for me to ground myself, center down, and be aware of my own connection to the earth.
A couple days ago, I found a guided run app, which I’ve never used before. I wanted some quiet and some things to focus on during my run. And, to my surprise, I found it to be quite magical. My coach came on every so often and simply asked questions. He would ask a question and disappear. So I had nothing but the sound of my own feet hitting the pavement and my own breathing to listen to as I thought about the question for that interval.
One of his questions was, “What color are you today?” Mmm hmm! Well played, Coach Bennett, well played. And it didn’t take me long to identify a color. Almost immediately, I knew my color was purple. And as I began to explore why, the word ambivalence came to mind. I don’t love purple. It is not on my list of favorites. It doesn’t evoke the calm and serene mood that is usually attached to it for me. I think of it as a wonderfully supportive color. It’s not the main attraction. As a standalone, I don’t like it; however, depending upon what it’s paired with, I could love it. A deep violet, together with a warm russet? Now that is an ocean sunset. Beautiful. Can you see a purple sunset without a hot orange or a glowing yellow? Taking note further, I own zero purple shirts. I don’t have purple earrings or scarves or hats. I know that some of you will be incensed! And I love lots of people whose main accessories are solid purple. And you wear it well. And I am not, nor have I ever been, drawn to purple as a standalone.
I was noticing my ambivalent feelings toward purple, and then, down below the surface, I felt that ambivalence in so many other spaces around my life. These many pandemic months, ambivalence has been what I am most efficient in accessing. One minute, I’m angry; the next minute, I am deeply grateful. One moment, I feel incredibly sad and the next moment, I find such a sense of wonder in something ordinary. Such a spectrum. I can go from feeling intense anxiety to feeling great equanimity in the same draw of breath.
The Spring pause we had this year because of the “shelter in place” mandate was so good for me in a lot of ways. It gave me time and space to really take a deep breath, reevaluate and reflect. It was also incredibly difficult in many other ways. I found out more of what I’m about, what I want and what I don’t want. So I want to ask you… as you think about the events of this year, this wild and crazy 2020, what color is it? And why? Spend time inquiring, being curious about what rises in you. Give it notice, give it pause, and give it a color. And please leave a comment about what you discover!